Bellies, Boobs, & Sweet Buns

It's almost Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to go to Gram and Gramp's house to get ready! Everyone is going there to celebrate. I love it when my cousins all come over!

I don't have pre-school next week because we have our Thanksgiving party tomorrow. We spent two weeks getting ready, and it was fun. We learned all about the Plymouth colonists, or as I like to call them, the pilgrims who sailed to America on the Mayflower. The Indians were native to the land and showed the pilgrims how to plant corn. We made a picture of the Mayflower sailing in the ocean. I worked longer on mine than anyone else did. I cut blue construction paper in half with perfect waves and pasted it on a yellow piece of construction paper for the sunny sky. Then I cut out shapes of black paper and pasted them together in the form of the ship. I think it looked really good. I don't think anyone noticed it, but I liked it. We got to choose whether we wanted to be pilgrims or Indians. I definitely wanted to be an Indian because I just like them better. They know more about raising their families and farming and growing corn. Plus, they just seem nicer and gentler. They cuddle their babies, learn how to walk quietly, and they can be barefoot all of the time. I love being barefoot in the dirt and soft grass. It makes me feel safer, closer to the earth. And I don't have to worry about my shoes hurting my feet.

We even got to hold dried kernels of corn like the Indians used to show the pilgrims how to plant. It felt good to let them run through my fingers. Amazingly, one hard, little kernel grows into a huge stalk of corn that produces more and more corn. I feel like I'm there with the Indians barefoot in the dirt, with my baby in her papoose. The sun feels hot on my back as I put one tiny kernel in little holes, perfectly distanced and in straight lines. It makes me feel really warm inside when I think about growing things, like vegetables, plants, trees, baby animals, and the babies I will have someday. Even Gram's sweet roll dough grows as it rises.

I love the bright colors and feathers the Indians wear on their heads. The pilgrims wear really boring and uncomfortable clothes. They are just black and white with bulky hats and stupid big, square gold buckles on their belts and shoes. I wonder what the girls wear? I only see pictures of white men. That's weird; they need girls to have babies. I saw pictures of Indian women and girls. Maybe I'll ask one of my teachers where the pilgrim girls and women are. I get annoyed when I wear tight, uncomfortable clothes, just like Colonial Days when I wore that dress and let go of my balloon. I don't want to start thinking about that again.

I wonder if the Pilgrims wish that they could wear different colors like the Indians? I'd definitely rather be barefoot like the Indians. I made my own feather headband by stapling bright colored feathers to a brown construction paper. I had to re-staple it a couple of times because, at first, it was too tight and then too loose. I wanted it to fit just right, so it took me a little while. I hope the extra holes in the paper from the staples don't look bad. I want it to be perfect! My favorite Thanksgiving project from pre-school is the papoose we made out of a brown grocery bag. Just like the Indian moms carried their babies in!! I want to crinkle it to make it softer for my baby, maybe after Thanksgiving. I don't want to get in trouble or rip it. I love it so much. I can't wait to get home and put my babies in it; they are going to love me carrying them around in my papoose all day! It's a fun word too. Kind of like caboose, but papoose! It makes me smile, and my babies are going to love it so much!!! I hope I cut the leg holes big enough for them; I don't want to squeeze them too tight.

The Thanksgiving party was okay. The best part was the Indian pudding. I never had it before, but it was so good, I could taste the real corn! I wonder if they used Niblets? Most of the kids didn't like it, but I did. My mom came. I always feel quieter around her, and I just wanted to get home and put my babies in their papoose!!!! When I get home, I am going to pack my bags for Gram and Gramp's house. They are going to love my papoose!!!

I took a bath and watched the Disney show like I always do on Sunday nights. This week it was The Shaggy D.A. I've seen it before, but I still liked it. I went to bed right after to get up early and go to work with my dad. Gram will pick me up at the shop, and I can't wait to see her! I bet she will be so happy to see me and help her cook. I already packed up my clothes, my papoose, and my headband. I was going to pack my two babies with enough clothes and diapers for the week. It's funny though, at home, I play with my babies all of the time, but at Gram and Gramps, I like to do other things. My babies understand. They still love me and are always so happy when I get home. I bet the house just doesn't feel as safe and loving when I'm not there. It's kind of like a cool breeze blowing through the house and getting stuck in it until I get home and warm-up the air. That is why I snuggle them up in their warm clothes and blankets in their cradle and tell them I will take good care of them when I get home from Gram and Gramp's house.

Gram and Gramp loved my papoose just like I thought they would! Gram told me about all the things we have planned for the week. We went straight to the Grand Union in town. She says we need to get everything we need there today because it will get hectic this week with everyone shopping for Thanksgiving. She has a huge list, and we get everything we need, and that's a lot! Gram gets a giant turkey and has to wake up at four in the morning to put it in the oven!!! We are making all of the food like mashed potatoes, squash, sweet potato, green bean casserole - gross!! And of course corn, after all, that is what the Indians taught the pilgrims to plant!! Gram only buys Delmonte "niblet" corn. She says it is more expensive than the other ones, but it's the best!! Gram loves the best, and so do I!!! It comes in smaller cans than regular corn, so we have to buy more. It's always brighter yellow, crispier, and juicer than the other ones. And it has the perfect name; it really is like a sweet little niblet that bursts in your mouth when you chew it. Nothing but the best corn to celebrate the pilgrims and Indians' first feast together!!

Oh, I almost forgot, stuffing, only from "scratch." Gram's is the only stuffing from "scratch" that I like. That's a funny word for it. I know what that means, like we are not using the dried-up bread that comes out of a box or bag. Gram and I only like making things from "scratch" like cakes, pie crust, rolls, everything really. Scratch is a word for itching your back. Or what the chickens at Joyce's farm do with their feet. Or when we play "scratch cards" or Gram calls them "tickets." I would like to come up with a different word for baking and cooking with real ingredients. Can just anyone do that? How do I let everyone in the world know that I have a better name?

Gram always has a candy dish with candy on the dining room hutch. For Thanksgiving, we might put out two dishes. We buy bags of candy at the grocery store or get it out of the bins you scoop into a plastic bag. You can take as much as you want! Of course, you have to pay for what you take. I don't overeat though, I know that's not good, making me feel sick. If other families had a candy dish out most of the time, the kids wouldn't eat a whole bunch at once, complain of a stomach ache, or act all crazy and get it taken away. Then their mom says they can't have candy again. They could just learn to take a couple of pieces a day. And if I don't like what kind is in the bowl, I don't eat it. Like cashews, Gram loves those, but I hate them, gross! Today is a good candy dish day! Gumdrops!! I will use them as a reward for myself. Like when I get done having lunch and laying down with Gram for a nap, I can have one. I never sleep, though. I hate naps.

Gumdrops! I like the orange the best!! And if I'm going to eat two, I like to mix yellow and orange and take one little bite of each. I don't like the other colors, especially green!! I've tried them all, and if I don't like them, I spit them out right away! No sense in eating them; I'd rather save it up for ones that I like.

Gram knows everyone who works at Grand Union, so it takes a long time! She always asks the fruit and vegetable guy for the freshest fruits and vegetables, so he goes out back and gets the best ones for her. I never even knew you could do that. Sometimes we buy our meat at the grocery store, but we don't like to. We go to the "meat man." He has the best meat!! It smells kind of gross when you walk in, but I'm getting used to it. Gram knows him really well, and they both know a lot about meat! They talk about the kind, the "cut," how much we need, and especially how fresh it is. That is really important! Everyone likes my Gram. She always says that I can get anything that I want at the store. But I feel bad getting anything. I usually just get Klondike Bars, plain not crispy, they are my favorite. I love picking off the chocolate coating and eating that first, then the delicious vanilla ice cream. It's like a game I play to do it just right so the chocolate comes off in big pieces, and the ice cream is just perfect underneath, not too hard and cold and not too soft and melty. Fun and delicious! Sometimes I decide to get a Three Musketeer Bar for the ride home. It's a special treat!

It takes us a long time to unload everything and put it away, but that's okay. Gram puts away the stuff that goes up high and the heavy things like the bottle of Snuggle that goes up high on the shelf in the laundry room, and I put away the cans in the vault and whatever else I can reach. I think other people call it a pantry, but we call it the vault. At home, we just have small cupboards, no pantry or vault. I'm starving, and it's time to make lunch for the men.

We are going to relax this afternoon. We will lie down for a "nap," and I won't sleep. Well, sometimes I might actually fall asleep, but just for a couple of minutes. The only reason I know this is because all of a sudden, I notice Gram is not laying down with me anymore, and I didn't hear or see her get up. So maybe I dozed for a few minutes. Later this afternoon, we are making a list of everything we have to do to get ready for Thanksgiving. Tomorrow we are making Gram's famous sweet rolls!! Well, some will be sweet, and some just plain to go with dinner. I can't wait!!!! They are the best thing ever!!

It's time to make the sweet rolls!! We start early in the morning because it takes all day. I get my apron on, push my step stool up to the counter, and flour the butcher block. This is a messy project, but Gram doesn't mind if we make a mess. You have to make a mess to make good sweet rolls, pie crust, and anything from "scratch." We will clean it up after. We make a lot of dough, and it takes time to rise, and then we have to "punch" it down, and it rises again, and we roll it out. We spread butter and cinnamon and sugar all over it for the sweet rolls and roll it up, kind of like I do with my babies in their blankets. Then we cut them with a knife, a serrated knife. It's essential to have an excellent serrated knife! We use Gram's a lot!

We make plain ones, the official name is dinner rolls and cinnamon-sugar ones, and at the end, we frost most of the cinnamon-sugar ones with a sweet white frosting. Most people like these the best! How can you blame them?!

Gram says that the real secret to making the best rolls is knowing when the dough is ready! I don't like to tell anyone this because it's our special secret. We have to keep a close eye on the dough as it rises and know when it's ready! Here it is, the secret to Gram's, and now my, sweet rolls. The dough is ready when it feels like a belly!

Bellies, Boobs, & Sweet Buns. Acrylic on canvas. Andrea Vadnais

But, not everyone has the right belly for it. Like me, my stomach is flat and not squishy like the dough needs to feel. Lucky for me, Gram has the perfect sweet roll belly, so this is how I know!

I've always wondered how people who don't have big bellies are supposed to know how the dough is ready? Like my Grandma Brown, she's my mom's mom. She died, she didn't have a big belly, and she never made sweet rolls. I wonder if she didn't make sweet rolls because she didn't have a big belly or if Grandma Brown didn't have a big belly because she didn't make sweet rolls. It's like that rhyme Gram asks me, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? I hate that one because I don't think there is a right answer, and I want to know the correct answer. It's like magic. I don't like that either! I want to know how they do it. Gram likes to watch the magic show specials on television; luckily, they are not on very often. It's the kind of magic where the magician cuts the woman in half and then puts her back together again. It drives me crazy because there isn't any blood, and it's impossible. How is that fun to watch? It's just stupid! He doesn't even use a serrated knife like we do for the sweet rolls. When the magic show is on, sometimes I do my workbooks. Gram calls them my Do-Books, you know, they have dot-to-dots, puzzles, trace the letters and easy stuff. The ones I like the best are the word finds and paint with water. At least it's better than watching dumb magic tricks that aren't real!

Lately, instead of doing my Do-Books, I've been learning to tie my shoes. But I don't actually practice on my shoes. Gramp helps me a lot, and I lay my bathrobe tie around my neck and practice tying it. It hangs down to my waist, so I don't have to bend over or carry my shoe around. It's just there when I feel like practicing. I sit on Gramp's lap in his recliner, and he helps me. He's so kind to me. He never makes me feel stupid or gives me any cold feeling. He is quiet and works a lot, but he spends time with me and always makes me feel good. He doesn't say, "I love you," but he doesn't have to; I know he does. I feel it, and that is what really matters. Sometimes after dinner, I sit with him, and we read, practice tying, or watch television together, and he does this thing where he just rubs my hand with his thumb. He works at the auto body shop that he owns, and his hands are rough, but it feels soothing. I can just rest and stop worrying that I did something wrong or will do something wrong or not well enough. It's like he is passing me invisible warm energy that I don't feel from anyone but Gram and Gramp.

One day my mom and dad surprised me, saying I was going to Gram and Gramp's house for the weekend. I was so excited! I wasn't planning on going. I didn't even know there was a reason. I was just happy to go! When we got into bed that night, Gram asked me if I wanted to talk about Grandma Brown dying. I had to think really fast, I didn't want to seem stupid, but I didn't even know that she died. I said, "She's dead and gone, and there is nothing else to say," and I rolled over. Even though I said there was nothing else to say, I was thinking about it. I got the lump in my throat and felt so mad, and my body started to feel bad. I wish my mom and dad would talk to me about things. They just don't. It's like everything is a secret, and I'm not part of it. I've just learned not to ask because they don't tell me anything, and I just end up feeling stupid for asking. After I laid there thinking about this, angry that my parents don't include me, I want to feel part of the family. That is why when I am home, I make my own family with my babies, and I am a perfect mom to them. After I laid there thinking about all of this for a while, Gram said she thinks Heaven is beautiful, with lots of green grass. So that is what I think Heaven is like.

Grandma Brown dying was never spoken of again. I think it's like that song: "There were 5 in the bed, and the little one said, roll over rollover. So they all rolled over, and one fell out, there were four in the bed…" The one that dies is like the little one who rolled over and fell out, just dead, and gone—the End.

Even though I said there was nothing else to say the night Gram asked me if I wanted to talk about it, I'm glad Gram told me that she thinks Heaven is wonderful and has lots of green grass. Gram understands me. I feel like I belong somewhere when we are together. I picture myself in Heaven, holding Gram's hand and running through a field of grass on a sunny day. I love Gram so much.

The only other times that I heard of Gram Brown again are when my mom would say what a good nurse she was. I wish my mom would talk nice about me like that. If I become a nurse when I grow up, maybe she will.

Plus, we had to go to the cemetery a lot in the spring and summer to plant flowers at her grave and water them. I just like running to the spigot and filling the watering can. I mostly thought about what Gram told me about Heaven and all of the green grass. The cemetery is pretty. There's lots of green grass, trees, and no other kids to pick on me. So I think Gram is right; I bet Heaven is like this. Gram is so smart; I love her so much. I'm going to like it in Heaven. The best part is that Gram will be there with me.

The other thing that I wonder about is why Grandma Brown died? I overheard my mom telling someone that she had breast cancer. I think that has to do with her boobs, but I'm afraid to ask. I really hate feeling stupid. So I don't want to ask my mom anything about boobs or dying. She doesn't like to talk to me about any of that stuff. But she talks on the phone with my aunt and her friends for so long, so I listen and try to figure out what things mean.

Proud big sister

When my sister was born, my mom changed her diaper on the changing table. My Gram and Gramp came to our house to visit and see her. When my mom picked my sister up off of the changing table, my Gram picked me up and let me sit on it to see what it was like. I felt so high up, and it was really cool! I was 3 ½ years old and so happy to have a new baby sister and Gram at my house! It's always different when my mom and dad are around; Gram and I can't really be ourselves. But it's better than being there by myself! She brings in the warm air as I do, but hers is louder, more colorful, fun, and smells better; mine is quieter. But my babies feel my warm air, and that is all that matters. I love my babies and will always protect them, love them, and make them feel better when they are sad. I can't wait until I have real babies someday. They will ALWAYS know how much I love them!

I was just thinking about how happy I was to have Gram there, and how good she smells, and I love her clothes, and I was so excited to have a new baby sister! I didn't even think about what happened next. I just did it. I wish I could take it all back. My hands just reached out and touched Gram's boobs. They were right there in front of me, almost touching me, and she had big ones, and her shirt was so bright, colorful, and smooth over them. I just wanted to know what they felt like. But that was a terrible thing to do. My mom got mad at me and told me never to do that again. I was so embarrassed. I didn't mean to do anything wrong. I didn't think Gram was mad at me, but everything changed. I felt so bad. I didn't want to upset anyone or embarrass Gram. The lump in my throat got so big that I could barely swallow, my eyes watered, I said I was sorry, and I ran into my room. I try so hard. I didn't mean to do anything wrong. Why am I so stupid? I wish it could just be Gram and me forever.

It was kind of like it was when I stopped thinking for a second after Colonial Days, I bent over to rub Charmin's belly, and I let go of my balloon. But this was even worse! At least I was by myself when I let go of the balloon. This time my mom and Gram were there when I messed up, and that feels even worse. Sometimes when I feel happy, I don't think about what I'm doing, and I mess up. I need to keep concentrating, so I won't do that anymore.

I worried about what it was going to be like when I saw Gram again. Will she not want to be near me in case I do that again? Will she treat me differently? Will she still love me? I just keep thinking about that night and how fast everything changed. I was so happy, and then I ruined everything.

Feeling the love. Gramp and me.

Finally, I got to go to Gram and Gramp's house again, it felt like forever, and I was so nervous about what would happen. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about it. When I got there, it was like nothing ever happened. Gram was so happy to see me! I was glad to see her, and she gave me a big hug. Sometimes I have to say "too tight, too tight," which is our little joke. She gives me the best hugs! I feel her love pass to me, just like when Gramp rubs my hand with his scratchy thumb.